instagram.com/toril - last post
What were you thinking while writing “Chasing A Feeling”?

When a relationship ends, you have the sometimes damaging habit to go back to every single step and milestone. You try to find the time the first crack happened, the first sign that this was truly over. Was I aware of it? Was I afraid of what to do next? How much longer are we going to stay in this as we are pretending everything is fine? It's a song about the end of a relationship that doesn't really feel like the end. I have been doing a lot of writing and self-reflection during these past months but the funny part, is how this song happened over a casual conversation about relationships. We were discussing our pasts and presents, sharing similarities and differences and Chasing A Feeling was coming to life soon after.

Do your songs often come organically in that way, or do you set out to write something in the studio?

The studio has become a time to discuss, brainstorm and put the final touches. It rarely becomes the original background for songwriting. I tend to do it on my own, even if I will take advices or ideas about the kind of production we are doing and the direction we are taking. I am at my best and most comfortable when I am on my own, in a place that feels like home. The studio is the last curb before the finish line, which can create a certain pressure and sense of frustration for me.

Is it difficult to be so personal with your songs?

It's not so much difficult to write down the way I feel and my interpretation on experiences I have been going through. Writing has always been a catharsis for me in that aspect. It's more nerve wrecking, sometimes, when it's really personal and you have to make that one extra step to deliver it and let it be heard. At the same time, there is something amazing about being able to be so open and have strangers listen to a moment in your life. It always comes with a certain sense of closure. It's satisfactory as a musician, as well as a person with your own scars and wounds in a 'I've made it' kind of way.

How did you come up with the concept for the music video?

I wanted to work with Bjarke Underbjerg again [he directed 'And It Breaks My Heart']. It's someone's who's vision I admire and found exciting. I was inspired by the conversation that gave way to the song and wanted to illustrate the feeling that a stale, dying relationship leaves you with. It doesn't matter who you are with, what a great time you may be having; intrusive thoughts will find their way. We shot in Denmark for the video and the places were completely stunning. I was taken away by the natural beauty of our surroundings, which were perfect for us.

Independence and ownership over musicians’ own work has been at the center of more public discourse, but early on in your career, you set out to create your own label. What does it mean to you to have so much control over your own work?

I really love my independence. It's something I'm not willing to give up - as bad as it may sound - but I don't think no one can truly understand what I want, what I need as an artist. When I first began I was under a label. At first it felt like I had freedom to focus entirely on my writing, the creative process but it soon became clear that things would need to be adjusted to please the people representing me. I was starting to feel frustrating and while having your own label is a challenge, it's also freeing.

Do you recommend going independent to other musicians who ask you about it?

I always do. Of course I speak for myself and based on my experiences, not everyone wants to be an independent artist and not everyone finds it better to work on their own as they are also holding the reign. But if you are tempted to take the plunge and start your own adventure, you should do it.

What's been inspiring you these days?

The last year has been challenging in many ways. I went through a really hard time personally while also releasing my first album and touring. There were many conflictual feelings at the time, which made it nearly impossible to process what I was truly experiencing in a healthy way. Being able to take the time for myself, to reflect on everything I have been feeling inspired me. I had no real plans to release new music, a whole new album.

What is some advice that you would give people who find themselves at that same moment in their relationship that you describe in “Chasing A Feeling”?

Don't deny your feelings. Sometimes it can just be a bump on the road and that requires a bit of work, some time to move past in and find the love you once had. Sometimes there is no more road to walk on together, it's hard to accept and can be soul crushing but you should never ignore what your heart and soul are trying to tell you. We all deserve to be happy, and you should never put your happiness to the side because you're afraid to be alone. Fear can stop use from pursuing what we really want. Is it easy to push past it? Definitely not. But I believe it's worth it.

camera roll

(narrative) för sig
It's the sound of his voice. Once familiar it has now become unrecognizable. Distant, exhausted, impatient. With her? Too afraid to ask, she endures a painful conversation filled with empty words and long silences as they both try to find something to say. Is that Rudy? The familiar yapping in the background is a needed distraction from each other. For a short moment they talk, forgetting about themselves. But it's not enough to find the connection they once had. The call ends.I'll see you later. With the phone still against her ear, she is tempted to dial back. What's happening to us? She wants to know but she fears the answer.

She is holding her microphone as she walks around the stage, allowing the music to dictate her movements, the chanting of the crowd filling her whole again. In that moment she is not afraid anymore, she feels alive the way she once did, as the sea of strangers standing in front of her carries her through the night. Not a single thought comes to break her momentum. She is Toril. She is not My anymore. My with her heartbreak. My carrying around the broken pieces of a marriage she once believed in. Toril sings, and dances, and laughs. Until the lights turn off, the music stops and with the last applause she finds her way backstage where she left the haunting part of herself.

This is not it. She doesn't know what she wants anymore. He doesn't know either. Caught up in a moment, their future seemed entangled, full of promises and a bright light that nothing seemed to be able to come in between. She remembers when the way he used to look at her, filling her with strength she didn't know she had. She remembers how she seemed to be able to take his dark thoughts away. He used to be her anchor, she used to be his light. Not anymore. Two lovers became two strangers, unhappy and enraged as they both come to realize there is nothing to save anymore.

The collection of unknown cities, the coldness of a bed that is not hers, the unfamiliar faces have become her home. There is a certain sadness as she comes to the realization that what used to be her shelter in this chaotic world doesn't exist anymore. But she doesn't want this to ruin her. She doesn't want this to ruin what she worked for in nearly a decade. She can't help but feel guilty, laying down at night as sleep seems to be unable to find her. Was this my fault? She knows better than to let herself fall into a sleepless night analysis of her choices that led to this moment. I could have tried harder. She could have done so many things, but what if this would have always been the outcome?

Months went by where she was too busy trying to forget, trying to live to remember that this day was going to come. The final day of the battle, the official burial of a chapter in her life is here. She had thought she was ready, a week before. She has thought she was okay, three days before. She had thought it was going hurt so slightly, by lunch she wasn't going to feel a thing anymore, the night before. It's midnight and she's still crying in her empty glass of wine. The only reminder of her past life laying next to her, trying to give her the comfort that she needs. She was not ready. The sight of him again, right in front of her. The sound of his voice, not speaking to her. The way her fingers seemed to be unable to hold onto the pen as she signed the death sentence. A flashback to her shaking hand fighting to sign down her name, his comforting hand finding its place on her back. Everything will be okay, she had thought. Everything will be okay, she whispers to herself. This is how our lives are going to be. Apart.
instagram.com/stories/toril


youtube.com/ TORIL - chasing a feeling (official video)
instagram.com/toril - feed